Dear Metalhead,

If you’ve been wondering about your future, we’ve got news for you! The Crystal Ball of Metal has finally arrived! But before we start with your horoscopes, we’d like you to meet your fortuneteller, Dr. Bedlam Havoc. That’s right! Dr. Bedlam Havoc! Isn’t that awesome?

Chris: “Dr. Bedlam Havoc, would you like to say anything to your fans out there?”

Dr. Bedlam Havoc: “Nope.”

Chris: “Ewkay then… let’s move on…”

Dr. Bedlam Havoc: “Chris… um, where’s the bathroom?”

Chris: “Doctor! We’re on air!”

Dr. Bedlam Havoc: “I know, that’s why I prefer to fart alone… in the bathroom… where there’s no one watching me… thank god they can’t smell it!”


  • Horoscopes (October 2012)


You might be thinking that nothing’s working for you at the moment. Well, you’re right! This month’s going to be hell. Bad Luck is all over you. Stay out of sight and away from the world. The best thing you can do is to hide in a closet. And as for your love life, you’re going to get dumped… twice… by the same person. (Recommended Album: Natural Disaster – Anathema)


Planet Mars is finishing the cycle thingy, and there’s a hole in the ozone layer. This only can mean one thing for you, Taurus. Good Sex! Have fun, play it safe (unless you want babies), and remember that sharing is caring. (Recommended Album: Stiff Upper Lip – AC/DC)


You’re fat and you need diet, fast. 5 kg of elephant meat and French fries with diet coke is just not right! Drink Beer. Just Beer. For the rest of your life. As for relationships, you ain’t getting any. Nobody loves you! (If in any case you’re not fat… read Aries section.) (Recommended Album: Time & Bomb – Buckcherry)


You’ve been smoking too much lately, and it’s time to quit. Remember that if there’s a will, there’s a way (yeah right)… besides, your horoscope says Cancer! Maybe this whole thing was predestined after all. Good luck buddy. See you at your funeral.  (Recommended Album: Dragontown – Alice Cooper)


As you may know, Venus is moving closer to the Sun. But who cares as long as you’re happy? Right? And the only thing that rhymes with Venus is Penis. You’re screwed. (Recommended album: Dirt – Alice in Chains)


Lately, you’ve been having thoughts about having sex. The thing is that as a Virgo (Meaning: Virgin), that’s rather impossible. Stop daydreaming, because it’s never going to happen. However, if you’re a girl Virgo and you’ve met Dr. Bedlam Havoc, you are definitely not a virgin. Surprise! (Recommended album: I love Rock ‘n’Roll – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts)


These are tough times for you; you’re depressed. But, don’t you worry, because it will all be over soon. Gather your positive energy and meditate. By the end of this month, the sun will shine on you again. That will be a good day to shoot yourself. (for more info on how to commit suicide, please call: 600D-8YE) (Recommended album: Final Cut – Pink Floyd)


You’re full of charisma (because you’re not wearing any pants) and everyone seems to be listening to what you have to say (not really!). It is also a good time for you to start making career plans (Ex: Prostitution). Just don’t hang out with your Libra friends! (Recommended album: Love at First Sting – Scorpions)


Planet Jupiter is moving towards Uranus, which makes you a pervert. However, you will soon realize that you’re wearing Scorpio’s pants. But no worries! You can keep them; they look good on you, and Scorpio is happy without them. (Recommended Album: Twilight of the Idols – Gorgoroth)


You’ve been wasting time planning your future. It’s time for some fun. You need adventure! So, if you have any friends, call them! Go for the Extreme, and throw a pajama party. Pillow fight and Strawberry juice for everyone! (Recommended Album: Turbo – Judas Priest)


So far, you’ve been good to everyone and made all the right choices. That makes you a pussy! Get out there and pick a fight! As for your love life: “What love life?” (Recommended album: Fearless love – Melissa Etheridge)


For God’s sake, you’re a fish! (Recommended Album: These are the Facts – Milburn)